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jade_o

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sniffles [Thursday
March 16th 4:10pm]
[ mood | blah! ]

I am soooo sick! Damn influenza. Just got back from work and I am utterly exhausted! I feel like I need to take a nap, but I am afraid that I wont wake up until late and Nikki and are suppose to hang out. i miss her. Before I got sick, we hung out together everyday and night. We were pretty much together every time I wasn't at work. I went all last night, all today, and now maybe all of tonight without seeing her~!

My mom is crazy! She pretty much disowned me. She used the whole me being a lez as an excuse, but the real truth in the matter is, she was just looking for the right opportunity to arise. Oh well. Must go on! Must keep my head held high!

[ 2 ] CMNT.

[Monday
March 13th 4:11pm]
Hey all. I am at Nikkis again. She is taking a quick shower and then we are going to movie and then dinner. We had a bit of turmoil the other night, but I think we are just coming out of it stronger. I love her to death. Things are good. I am having some problems at work. I got hurt their the other day, and now my manager is pissed cuz the company is responsible for my bills. Well sheesh! Its not my fault! But whatev!

Not sure what else to write. I think I got some of my eating habbits under some what of control. For a while I just couldm't like eat... period, but I have been slowly but surely getting better! My mom is a jerk. Pretty sure she made a reference to me looking pudgey becausde I have gained about 7 lbs since recovery. Plus I dyed my hair red(which I love by the way) and when she saw it she said " jessus jade... what did you do to your hair? It was cute now its... ugly!" Nice woman eh?
CMNT.

my baby [Monday
March 13th 2:51am]
[ mood | silly ]

Here are some pictures of my baby. Isn't she cute? Yes yes I am aware!










[ 1 ] CMNT.

[Friday
March 3rd 5:09pm]
I am at Nikkis right now while she is taking a shower. I am moving in temporarily with my sis in "The Loft" appartments. Good idea concidering the fact that my mom is a complete homophobe and is being unreasonable and irrational... plus not to mention inmature as hell!!! I have spent like almost every night for the last week with my baby. I love her to death! She makes me so incredibly happy! I will post a picture of her if I can get it to work.
CMNT.

[Tuesday
February 28th 6:17pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I am doing good. Over all I am pretty happy. Nikki makes me such a happy camper! Still havn't been eating good despite trashing my contract. Its a hard habbit to quit. Nikki must think I am crazy, cuz I hardly ever eat around her. I try... we go out to dinner weekly, but after a couple of bites I just cant eat anymore no matter what it is. I have dropped down to 107 lbs which I must say, I am actualy pretty happy about. My step dad found my food journal. I am oh so busted! I cant believe that no one has any respect for my privacy. I am 19 for goodness sakes! Almost 20.

I am probebly going to move into my sisters appartment temporarily until I find a good enough deal and roommate. I have my eye on a couple of nice duplexes, but I am so worried about the roommate situation. I dont want to wind up stuck in a 9-month lease with some crazy person! That would not be good. I contemplated moving in with Nikki, but I am not sure if she is ready to move out or if her parents are ready to let her go. She is extremly tight with her mom. And she will probebly be there all the time anyhow.

I have a job interview for jenny craig on tuesday. Its full time, great benifits, and awesome pay. I am sick of osco and it just isn't paying enough. and now that I had a nice brake away from the raggid life, I dont want to have to go back. Living paycheck to payceck just doesn't do it for me. And I have a good gap of time where I can work full time before I start bizness school this fall.

Ok... so I miss modeling, but not enough to go back! That industry is such a joke. Dont let the show Americas Next top Model fool you, there is no modeling high fashion without an eating disorder. Its always.... water and tomato diets before a big show... starvation... purging. OH and the biggest diet is the captain diet. It consists of starving yourself all day and then binge drinking captain morgan until you cant stop throwing up. Is that really healthy? PLease! Plus, alot of these girls are chocked up on steroids and crazy vitamins to keep from losing their hair or turning olive green. ITs pathetic. I was the healthiest one out of everyone I knew and I was practicaly starving myself.

But i am trying so hard to kick this bad habbit for Nikki. Its really hard. I get sick from eating the tiniest things. Some nights I cant even go out becuase I am so nausious and all I would have eaten was some fruit or maybe part of a sandwhich. Its to the point where I want to eat... but my body wont let me. I try to force myself but I always regret it in the end cuz I get so sick! I dont like this, but its like it has taken me over! I hate being this person! I have never been all that vain before. I must say I am at the peak of unhealthiness out of all the probeblems I have faced with food throughout my life. But I am getting better... I think.

But enough about the negative. I am happy! I am in love! So in love! And I cherish every day I am givin because I know I have so much to live for!

CMNT.

[Wednesday
February 15th 5:57pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

I want to be done with this whole modeling thing. Well... ok, not modeling itself, but deffinitly with New York and my new agent. I want to stay here.... for now at least! I am so freaked out. I gained 3 pounds since I have been home. I am still at an unhealthy weight, but I know I am going to here about it. Let me see... I think I am back up to 107 lbs. It still seems like a lot.

I broke the news about nicki to my mom. I think she is in deniel. I had a wonderful valentines day! Nickie and I went out to Los and then we went to mikes to drink a little bit. Jeff D., Kyle, Brad, and Brandon were there and things got a bit irritating. Especialy when their quistions got a little bit graphic. Mike kept saying he wanted to be the creme in our oreo cookie sandwhich. Silly boys. They just dont get it! After that fun witch hun, we went to nickies and watched a movie and visited with her adorable kitten. I got her carnations and a red teddy bear. She got me a cute lil pengy, some chocolates, and this sweet card! It was great!

[ 2 ] CMNT.

[Wednesday
February 8th 6:16pm]
[ mood | loved ]

I am in town and I feel like I dont want to leave. I know that I have to. BAH!!! Tonight Nickie and I are laying low and watching a movie. On sunday, shes spending the entire night with me and I am cooking for her. I am so excited. It's been duely hard to get alone time with her. Now I just have to learn how to cook. lol. J/K I dont know if I am any good at it, but we will certainly find out.

CMNT.

Soooooooooooooooo long! [Wednesday
February 8th 5:58pm]
[ mood | sunshine and rainbows ]

It's been such a long time. Things are completly different then the last update. Well, not my career choice at least, but everything else. New York New York! Oh plentiful New York! lol. I dont like it! Mainly because I have met someone and I dont want to leave her again!!! Yes, that is correct. You heard me right~! My eating is getting the best of me, but nobody really gives a damn so why should I. Let me see.... I ate 1/3 cup naturally popped popcorn yesturday and 1/2 cup veggie juice and a half a bananna today. I feel fine, but I have to fight off passing out and dizziness once in a while. Those are minor details. lol.

So in case if you didn't understand from my above paragraph.... I like girls. One in particular... Nickie. She is so adorable. I seriously cannot stop smiling when I think about her.

Modeling is getting the best of me. My health is not great due to eating issues and photographers are freckin jackasses. I am a clothing size to them. Its actualy kinda funny. I always knew what it was going to be like. I just refused to admit to it!

So if I had my own choice, I would move into an appartment back in green bay with nickie. I know I haven't known her that long, but I have never felt this strongly about someone in my life and it makes me so happy. Now, it's just a matter of braking the news to everyone. I have about 3 ppl down and like a ton more to go. lol. But I am not worried. If they dont accept it then its their own problem. Sure, it might hurt, but I still feel like I am getting the better end of the deal. 0:)

CMNT.

Soooooooooooooooo long! [Wednesday
February 8th 5:58pm]
[ mood | sunshine and rainbows ]

It's been such a long time. Things are completly different then the last update. Well, not my career choice at least, but everything else. New York New York! Oh plentiful New York! lol. I dont like it! Mainly because I have met someone and I dont want to leave her again!!! Yes, that is correct. You heard me right~! My eating is getting the best of me, but nobody really gives a damn so why should I. Let me see.... I ate 1/3 cup naturally popped popcorn yesturday and 1/2 cup veggie juice and a half a bananna today. I feel fine, but I have to fight off passing out and dizziness once in a while. Those are minor details. lol.

So in case if you didn't understand from my above paragraph.... I like girls. One in particular... Nickie. She is so adorable. I seriously cannot stop smiling when I think about her.

Modeling is getting the best of me. My health is not great due to eating issues and photographers are freckin jackasses. I am a clothing size to them. Its actualy kinda funny. I always knew what it was going to be like. I just refused to admit to it!

So if I had my own choice, I would move into an appartment back in green bay with nickie. I know I haven't known her that long, but I have never felt this strongly about someone in my life and it makes me so happy. Now, it's just a matter of braking the news to everyone. I have about 3 ppl down and like a ton more to go. lol. But I am not worried. If they dont accept it then its their own problem. Sure, it might hurt, but I still feel like I am getting the better end of the deal. 0:)

CMNT.

trivial persuit [Monday
December 19th 7:45pm]
[ mood | confused ]

My life is in a bit of a trivial stage right now. I am constantly annoyed with peoples insolence. Well one person in particular. Whom I feel is no longer part of my family. I dont even know why it is I have the same last name. I really shouldn't have a last name. It's just Jade... And not Jade the rocker with the nasty nose ring. I am me only because of me. At least the good parts about myself. Everything else is from being around these people my whole life. You cant exactly escape the inevitable. You always end up like your parents some what! Bah! Not proud, but I cannot escape it! I get along quit well with my mom, but my dad... no! I dont get along... I dont ever want to get along with him again. I dont like the person he is and I never ever will. The thing he has transformed into is pure unfiltered ugliness! Cold hearted and selfous. Yes I will always care about him and I will never be able to change that. He has hurt me then killed me and now I am in the process of rebuilding myself. It's been a rebirth. Throughout reaching out to help others and finding things that I am good at, I have been able to really find myself. And he hasn't always been that person. I remember the days when I use to envy him. In a small way, he was my hero. It was all in ignorance. It only lasted until I was old enough to be exposed to the truth.

My eating habbits have been pretty possitive. Back to eating at least 500 calories a day with a few exceptions. I am afraid of embarking on my new life in New York. I am afraid of what it might do to me. I have already been exposed to the world of high fashion and it certainly isn't pretty. Donna, one of my agents, wants my body back to what it was 7 months ago. Well guess what, 7 months ago, I wasn't eating... like at all! I would be lying if I told you i that I thought this change was a good idea. I know its not. I dont want to leave, but yet I do. this is what I have been fighting for since I can remember. This is the chance I thought I would never get... a chance that I starved myself for. Its what I have lived for. I have never fallen in love in a relationship with a guy. I havn't ever had those strong feelings that makes me think I could get along with just an average life. I mean... I have loved before. Once... and it was such an unhealthy relationship. I feel like there is no hope to find a husband. Sometimes I wonder if I am a lesbian, but then I remember that one person I did love. So basically there isn't anything here that I want. There isn't anything here for me. Just family, which I do cherish. Like my mom and sisters and two cats. :) Ugh. I cant believe I am writting all of this. ON the outside, I am acting like I am so excited and in control. like I am happy and strong willed. But I am not any of those things. I am weak. I have been pushed close to the brink of rehabiliation and yet I still put on this proceling frozen face. I am a mess! You guys I am an absolute mess.

CMNT.

[Tuesday
November 1st 8:12pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Everything is going good for me. I just got back from red lobster to celebrate my moms birthday! Havn't done any photo shoots for a little while but I have one coming up for a jeweler or something on that order. Some funky stuff. I dont know a ton about it. I dont care anymore what I do, as long as it pays cuz I am borderline broke. lol. Also have a calender shoot coming up in the next two week. I can do whatever pose I want where I want. Any ideas? I have a few, but I keep changing my mind. Jenna is being a bitch. Ever since my modeling picked up she has been so bitchy. I dont know what her deal is. Whatever. Shes not much of a real friend to begin with.

I have been hanging out with Ray, Denny, Red, and Greek. I know John likes me and I kinda like him. I am not sure what will come of it. Theres not much time for a relationship. So I am suppose to change my hair... BIG TIME! Not sure how and its really not in my hands. Kathrine(from Willimina) wants it pitch balck with red lowlights and highlights. Just because she thinks I can work the whole asian angle cuz my eyes are so teeny. I am petrified but I suppose I am willing to sacrifice if need be.

Ya so back to the whole Greek and me being into each other thing. It was interesting how it came about. and kinda funny cuz he was dating robbin (an old not so friendly friend) for the longest time. I hang out with Ray alot and Ray hangs out with him and I have just been chilling with that whole group. Its been fun.

[ 2 ] CMNT.

pics [Tuesday
October 18th 6:14pm]
some of these are icky... my camera wasn't very good so some are blurry~!


prep. for swimwear



Thats me in the mint gown... far right bottum corner.



My gramma and I in our motel



sassy opening number outfit


A couple other grls and I.
[ 3 ] CMNT.

KICKED ASS! [Tuesday
October 18th 5:49pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Near winning, but somethin even better happened to me this weekend. Willimina~!!!! This lovely lady in red aproached me in my dressing room and said "could I have a moment alone with you?" and I didn't know why or who she was but I said of course. Then she proceeded in telling me that she had come this weekend, not expecting to scout any talent, but that she saw something in me that she hasn't seen in someone my age in a very long time. she told me she represents Willimina and every so often, they invest in new talent. she couldn't promise me anything but she wants a consultation to take some photos and meet with my parents and I. She said I was a bit short of runway minimum, but that I have an incredibly unique marketable print look. That she could see me doing high-fashion print, but it all rests on how good I am in front of the camera. she said that could make or brake me. If the other reps like what they see, they will fly me to New York where I would be living in a dorm with three other new models. Excitment doesn't even begin to explain what I am feeling. I will post some pics from the pageant later.

[ 1 ] CMNT.

[Thursday
October 13th 5:51pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Wow... Very angry with some of my modeling pics. First of all, they mixed up my measurements... the hip and waist. ugh! how funny would I look! I hate the way they turn out. I must have been brain dead when I shot some of them. Some were perfect, but not these ones. I look asian, which would be fine if I actually were, but I am not... See for yourselF!






So miss wisconsin is this weekend. I am so pumped... SO PUMPED! Cross your fingers and wish me lucl~!

[ 3 ] CMNT.

[Wednesday
September 28th 6:21pm]
Things are stressful, but good. Been preparing like no other for this pageant. Agents from all over will be there so if anything, perhaps I could get a bigger neighboring agency to sign me. I am working a lot with Majella but I would be willing to cut that down if a bigger high fashion agency would be willing to represent me. But again, I am a bit vertically challenged. I am only 5'7", but there is still potential. So I leave on the 13 and I think I will get back on the 15 or 16 of october.

Having a blast as a gambler girl. I feel like a celebrity. Little boys have crushes on us and little girls want to be us. Its a really cool feeling. All of the little kids bombart us to slap there hands or shake our poms at them. It's adorible.

My eating has improved. I am up to two moderate size meals a day. About 950 cals. Yet I am still down to 25 inches on my waist. All the excersize is paying off. 950 cals is amazing for me, mind you. Before I would go in strands of a day at 200 cals to 400 to 90 and so on. Now I am regular and much healthy. Or so they say. But I am doing good. Feeling pretty good!
[ 1 ] CMNT.

[Sunday
September 18th 11:52pm]
Here are some random candids. Some are from miss green bay and some are just for fun. The quality six cuz most were taken from a dig. camera from far away and some are pics of pics. Lol


Here is one from swimwear. Very blury due to my attempt to zoom in.


this is interview... again same reason







These two are from pageant practice




Us girls being silly



This was the pic they used for the program and newspaper




me at work trying to capture my boredom on film!



Me and my baby neice, Haily at my 19th birthday get-together. I look like a monster. lol
[ 2 ] CMNT.

[Wednesday
September 14th 12:13am]
The pageant is one month away! Very excited!!!! Got my hair done for free at Regis. They needed a hair model and one of the girls that does the miss conduct thing with me is a beautician there. It's awesome. I got it cut, dyed, and highlighted. I will attach a pic of it.





Sorry about the quality. They were taken on my shitty toy digital camera. But hey it works.

Otherwise, I am doing quit well. Starting my crash diet this week. Dont worry... its all safe and I WILL eat only it will be a lot of fuits and veggies and extra hard on the work outs. Wish me luck~!



Oh and p.s... my dad kicked me out of his house partly for my eating issues even though the dumbass was the one who was so gunghoe about me dieting in the first place. He thinks EVERYONE is fat, even me. But I guess I am making him look like a bad parent. Whatev~! I wont be here much longer anyway.


p.s.s My first gamblers game was awesome. Met some delicious college hockey studs and am on my way of making a pretty pennie. Our jersies are adorible~!
[ 4 ] CMNT.

[Friday
September 9th 1:22pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

People need to stop with the bitchin. I enjoy being skinny and I admit, there was capability of it turning into a problem but I nipped it in the bud right away. I dont care what anybody says... my worst fear is getting fat. so I am not going to recover from this by gaining 20 pounds. Are you nuts? Half the photographers I worked with think I would be way better if I lost 4-5 lbs. I eat! I dont purge! I just eat on my own terms. I eat as little beef as possible, but i still eat some. Chicken and raw vegies.

I was so upset. yesturday my dad tricked my into eating lamb. I hadn't eaten all day so I said I would eat dinner with him which was, of course, fatty hamburgers~! So I ate half a patty, but it tasted funny. It was sweet. When I was done my dad said "YOu just ate lamb~!" and I got so angry. First of all...the main problem with our society and why we have such a problem with obesity is that we eat for pleasure, not to survive!!! I dont think there is any need to kill a baby sheep just because it tastes good. I understand that we need protien and humans are meat eaters, but we have been eating chicken and cow for a long time which is enough in itself. Now we must kill baby animals to eat as well? That is utterly sick. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying its wrong to enjoy a good meal or too, but Americans tend to enjoy food a little too much! Thats where all the problems lay! Thats why so many people are dying of heart disease and obesity! Food was meant to keep us going. People shouldn't revolve their entire day around it! Thats so... discusting!

CMNT.

[Sunday
September 4th 7:21pm]
Just got back from door county. It was alright. Saw some family I havn't been able to see in a long time and played a few games of volleyball. Wasn't badgered too bad. People look at me so weird, but I just ignore it. I am going to my moms for the night. Havn't seen my kitty in ages and I could use some animal theripy.lol. She always makes me happy. Just watching her big luggish cute self! Love it! Plus, I know my mom wont bug me about the whole eating issue. After all, she was the one who suggested I dont eat as much!

I know that things will get better... they always do! Plus, after watching the news and seeing all the awful things from hurricane Katrina, it makes me realize how truly lucky I am just to have a roof over my head. So many lost lives! So many scared children. So much confusion... I am praying for them!
[ 2 ] CMNT.

[Thursday
September 1st 10:26pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I really dont know what to say anymore. I am far past the point of people judging me. Everyone pretty much knows about my issues and that isn't the part that bothers me. I just HATE it when ppl try to act like they need to take care of me. Like when people watch me to make sure that I am eating. Its nice that they care I just feel so belittled. I have it under control!!!!!!!

[ 5 ] CMNT.

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