sniffles

I am soooo sick! Damn influenza. Just got back from work and I am utterly exhausted! I feel like I need to take a nap, but I am afraid that I wont wake up until late and Nikki and are suppose to hang out. i miss her. Before I got sick, we hung out together everyday and night. We were pretty much together every time I wasn't at work. I went all last night, all today, and now maybe all of tonight without seeing her~!

My mom is crazy! She pretty much disowned me. She used the whole me being a lez as an excuse, but the real truth in the matter is, she was just looking for the right opportunity to arise. Oh well. Must go on! Must keep my head held high!
  • Current Music
    867-5309

(no subject)

Hey all. I am at Nikkis again. She is taking a quick shower and then we are going to movie and then dinner. We had a bit of turmoil the other night, but I think we are just coming out of it stronger. I love her to death. Things are good. I am having some problems at work. I got hurt their the other day, and now my manager is pissed cuz the company is responsible for my bills. Well sheesh! Its not my fault! But whatev!

Not sure what else to write. I think I got some of my eating habbits under some what of control. For a while I just couldm't like eat... period, but I have been slowly but surely getting better! My mom is a jerk. Pretty sure she made a reference to me looking pudgey becausde I have gained about 7 lbs since recovery. Plus I dyed my hair red(which I love by the way) and when she saw it she said " jessus jade... what did you do to your hair? It was cute now its... ugly!" Nice woman eh?

(no subject)

I am at Nikkis right now while she is taking a shower. I am moving in temporarily with my sis in "The Loft" appartments. Good idea concidering the fact that my mom is a complete homophobe and is being unreasonable and irrational... plus not to mention inmature as hell!!! I have spent like almost every night for the last week with my baby. I love her to death! She makes me so incredibly happy! I will post a picture of her if I can get it to work.

(no subject)

I am doing good. Over all I am pretty happy. Nikki makes me such a happy camper! Still havn't been eating good despite trashing my contract. Its a hard habbit to quit. Nikki must think I am crazy, cuz I hardly ever eat around her. I try... we go out to dinner weekly, but after a couple of bites I just cant eat anymore no matter what it is. I have dropped down to 107 lbs which I must say, I am actualy pretty happy about. My step dad found my food journal. I am oh so busted! I cant believe that no one has any respect for my privacy. I am 19 for goodness sakes! Almost 20.

I am probebly going to move into my sisters appartment temporarily until I find a good enough deal and roommate. I have my eye on a couple of nice duplexes, but I am so worried about the roommate situation. I dont want to wind up stuck in a 9-month lease with some crazy person! That would not be good. I contemplated moving in with Nikki, but I am not sure if she is ready to move out or if her parents are ready to let her go. She is extremly tight with her mom. And she will probebly be there all the time anyhow.

I have a job interview for jenny craig on tuesday. Its full time, great benifits, and awesome pay. I am sick of osco and it just isn't paying enough. and now that I had a nice brake away from the raggid life, I dont want to have to go back. Living paycheck to payceck just doesn't do it for me. And I have a good gap of time where I can work full time before I start bizness school this fall.

Ok... so I miss modeling, but not enough to go back! That industry is such a joke. Dont let the show Americas Next top Model fool you, there is no modeling high fashion without an eating disorder. Its always.... water and tomato diets before a big show... starvation... purging. OH and the biggest diet is the captain diet. It consists of starving yourself all day and then binge drinking captain morgan until you cant stop throwing up. Is that really healthy? PLease! Plus, alot of these girls are chocked up on steroids and crazy vitamins to keep from losing their hair or turning olive green. ITs pathetic. I was the healthiest one out of everyone I knew and I was practicaly starving myself.

But i am trying so hard to kick this bad habbit for Nikki. Its really hard. I get sick from eating the tiniest things. Some nights I cant even go out becuase I am so nausious and all I would have eaten was some fruit or maybe part of a sandwhich. Its to the point where I want to eat... but my body wont let me. I try to force myself but I always regret it in the end cuz I get so sick! I dont like this, but its like it has taken me over! I hate being this person! I have never been all that vain before. I must say I am at the peak of unhealthiness out of all the probeblems I have faced with food throughout my life. But I am getting better... I think.

But enough about the negative. I am happy! I am in love! So in love! And I cherish every day I am givin because I know I have so much to live for!
  • Current Music
    Forgive me love (Alannis Morrisette)

(no subject)

I want to be done with this whole modeling thing. Well... ok, not modeling itself, but deffinitly with New York and my new agent. I want to stay here.... for now at least! I am so freaked out. I gained 3 pounds since I have been home. I am still at an unhealthy weight, but I know I am going to here about it. Let me see... I think I am back up to 107 lbs. It still seems like a lot.

I broke the news about nicki to my mom. I think she is in deniel. I had a wonderful valentines day! Nickie and I went out to Los and then we went to mikes to drink a little bit. Jeff D., Kyle, Brad, and Brandon were there and things got a bit irritating. Especialy when their quistions got a little bit graphic. Mike kept saying he wanted to be the creme in our oreo cookie sandwhich. Silly boys. They just dont get it! After that fun witch hun, we went to nickies and watched a movie and visited with her adorable kitten. I got her carnations and a red teddy bear. She got me a cute lil pengy, some chocolates, and this sweet card! It was great!
  • Current Mood
    pleased pleased

(no subject)

I am in town and I feel like I dont want to leave. I know that I have to. BAH!!! Tonight Nickie and I are laying low and watching a movie. On sunday, shes spending the entire night with me and I am cooking for her. I am so excited. It's been duely hard to get alone time with her. Now I just have to learn how to cook. lol. J/K I dont know if I am any good at it, but we will certainly find out.
  • Current Mood
    loved loved

Soooooooooooooooo long!

It's been such a long time. Things are completly different then the last update. Well, not my career choice at least, but everything else. New York New York! Oh plentiful New York! lol. I dont like it! Mainly because I have met someone and I dont want to leave her again!!! Yes, that is correct. You heard me right~! My eating is getting the best of me, but nobody really gives a damn so why should I. Let me see.... I ate 1/3 cup naturally popped popcorn yesturday and 1/2 cup veggie juice and a half a bananna today. I feel fine, but I have to fight off passing out and dizziness once in a while. Those are minor details. lol.

So in case if you didn't understand from my above paragraph.... I like girls. One in particular... Nickie. She is so adorable. I seriously cannot stop smiling when I think about her.

Modeling is getting the best of me. My health is not great due to eating issues and photographers are freckin jackasses. I am a clothing size to them. Its actualy kinda funny. I always knew what it was going to be like. I just refused to admit to it!

So if I had my own choice, I would move into an appartment back in green bay with nickie. I know I haven't known her that long, but I have never felt this strongly about someone in my life and it makes me so happy. Now, it's just a matter of braking the news to everyone. I have about 3 ppl down and like a ton more to go. lol. But I am not worried. If they dont accept it then its their own problem. Sure, it might hurt, but I still feel like I am getting the better end of the deal. 0:)
  • Current Mood
    chipper sunshine and rainbows

Soooooooooooooooo long!

It's been such a long time. Things are completly different then the last update. Well, not my career choice at least, but everything else. New York New York! Oh plentiful New York! lol. I dont like it! Mainly because I have met someone and I dont want to leave her again!!! Yes, that is correct. You heard me right~! My eating is getting the best of me, but nobody really gives a damn so why should I. Let me see.... I ate 1/3 cup naturally popped popcorn yesturday and 1/2 cup veggie juice and a half a bananna today. I feel fine, but I have to fight off passing out and dizziness once in a while. Those are minor details. lol.

So in case if you didn't understand from my above paragraph.... I like girls. One in particular... Nickie. She is so adorable. I seriously cannot stop smiling when I think about her.

Modeling is getting the best of me. My health is not great due to eating issues and photographers are freckin jackasses. I am a clothing size to them. Its actualy kinda funny. I always knew what it was going to be like. I just refused to admit to it!

So if I had my own choice, I would move into an appartment back in green bay with nickie. I know I haven't known her that long, but I have never felt this strongly about someone in my life and it makes me so happy. Now, it's just a matter of braking the news to everyone. I have about 3 ppl down and like a ton more to go. lol. But I am not worried. If they dont accept it then its their own problem. Sure, it might hurt, but I still feel like I am getting the better end of the deal. 0:)
  • Current Mood
    chipper sunshine and rainbows

trivial persuit

My life is in a bit of a trivial stage right now. I am constantly annoyed with peoples insolence. Well one person in particular. Whom I feel is no longer part of my family. I dont even know why it is I have the same last name. I really shouldn't have a last name. It's just Jade... And not Jade the rocker with the nasty nose ring. I am me only because of me. At least the good parts about myself. Everything else is from being around these people my whole life. You cant exactly escape the inevitable. You always end up like your parents some what! Bah! Not proud, but I cannot escape it! I get along quit well with my mom, but my dad... no! I dont get along... I dont ever want to get along with him again. I dont like the person he is and I never ever will. The thing he has transformed into is pure unfiltered ugliness! Cold hearted and selfous. Yes I will always care about him and I will never be able to change that. He has hurt me then killed me and now I am in the process of rebuilding myself. It's been a rebirth. Throughout reaching out to help others and finding things that I am good at, I have been able to really find myself. And he hasn't always been that person. I remember the days when I use to envy him. In a small way, he was my hero. It was all in ignorance. It only lasted until I was old enough to be exposed to the truth.

My eating habbits have been pretty possitive. Back to eating at least 500 calories a day with a few exceptions. I am afraid of embarking on my new life in New York. I am afraid of what it might do to me. I have already been exposed to the world of high fashion and it certainly isn't pretty. Donna, one of my agents, wants my body back to what it was 7 months ago. Well guess what, 7 months ago, I wasn't eating... like at all! I would be lying if I told you i that I thought this change was a good idea. I know its not. I dont want to leave, but yet I do. this is what I have been fighting for since I can remember. This is the chance I thought I would never get... a chance that I starved myself for. Its what I have lived for. I have never fallen in love in a relationship with a guy. I havn't ever had those strong feelings that makes me think I could get along with just an average life. I mean... I have loved before. Once... and it was such an unhealthy relationship. I feel like there is no hope to find a husband. Sometimes I wonder if I am a lesbian, but then I remember that one person I did love. So basically there isn't anything here that I want. There isn't anything here for me. Just family, which I do cherish. Like my mom and sisters and two cats. :) Ugh. I cant believe I am writting all of this. ON the outside, I am acting like I am so excited and in control. like I am happy and strong willed. But I am not any of those things. I am weak. I have been pushed close to the brink of rehabiliation and yet I still put on this proceling frozen face. I am a mess! You guys I am an absolute mess.