jade_o (jade_o) wrote,

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trivial persuit

My life is in a bit of a trivial stage right now. I am constantly annoyed with peoples insolence. Well one person in particular. Whom I feel is no longer part of my family. I dont even know why it is I have the same last name. I really shouldn't have a last name. It's just Jade... And not Jade the rocker with the nasty nose ring. I am me only because of me. At least the good parts about myself. Everything else is from being around these people my whole life. You cant exactly escape the inevitable. You always end up like your parents some what! Bah! Not proud, but I cannot escape it! I get along quit well with my mom, but my dad... no! I dont get along... I dont ever want to get along with him again. I dont like the person he is and I never ever will. The thing he has transformed into is pure unfiltered ugliness! Cold hearted and selfous. Yes I will always care about him and I will never be able to change that. He has hurt me then killed me and now I am in the process of rebuilding myself. It's been a rebirth. Throughout reaching out to help others and finding things that I am good at, I have been able to really find myself. And he hasn't always been that person. I remember the days when I use to envy him. In a small way, he was my hero. It was all in ignorance. It only lasted until I was old enough to be exposed to the truth.

My eating habbits have been pretty possitive. Back to eating at least 500 calories a day with a few exceptions. I am afraid of embarking on my new life in New York. I am afraid of what it might do to me. I have already been exposed to the world of high fashion and it certainly isn't pretty. Donna, one of my agents, wants my body back to what it was 7 months ago. Well guess what, 7 months ago, I wasn't eating... like at all! I would be lying if I told you i that I thought this change was a good idea. I know its not. I dont want to leave, but yet I do. this is what I have been fighting for since I can remember. This is the chance I thought I would never get... a chance that I starved myself for. Its what I have lived for. I have never fallen in love in a relationship with a guy. I havn't ever had those strong feelings that makes me think I could get along with just an average life. I mean... I have loved before. Once... and it was such an unhealthy relationship. I feel like there is no hope to find a husband. Sometimes I wonder if I am a lesbian, but then I remember that one person I did love. So basically there isn't anything here that I want. There isn't anything here for me. Just family, which I do cherish. Like my mom and sisters and two cats. :) Ugh. I cant believe I am writting all of this. ON the outside, I am acting like I am so excited and in control. like I am happy and strong willed. But I am not any of those things. I am weak. I have been pushed close to the brink of rehabiliation and yet I still put on this proceling frozen face. I am a mess! You guys I am an absolute mess.
Tags: i guess i just dont love myself enough!, i love life
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